Please do not turn away in disgust at the word “etiquette!” We know that the word has a stuffy personality, and it evokes an image of a stark woman with her hair up in a bun, ready to scold us all for some transgressions of which we weren’t even aware. (Oh, wait, that’s an actual memory!)
Instead, have no fear, because today we are going to make friends with the word and its function in our world. After we have a laugh at its expense, we will dive in and figure out exactly why Emily Post dedicated her life to the idea and why it is still relevant. Sit back, relax, and don’t throw spitballs, please.
But, first a history lesson. Emily Post penned her famous Etiquette book in 1922, and her great-great granddaughter Lizzie Post, and her great-great grandson, Daniel Post Senning, published a “Centennial Edition” in 2022. There is now an Emily Post Institute, and – hold on to something – a podcast! Yes, Awesome Etiquette is its name, and it responds to thousands of questions on the subject, and conducts interviews with experts. Behind all of this is the Post foundational trifecta, “Consideration, Respect, and Honesty.” As Emily wrote in her book, “Whenever two people come together and their behavior affects one another, you have etiquette… it is not some rigid code of manners, it’s simply how persons’ lives touch one another.” To put it another way, Consideration, Respect and Honesty are principles, and manners are behaviors.
To prove that the Post great-great grandchildren have added some modernity to the book, they use terms such as, “high five” and “fist bump” when talking about greetings. In the Correspondence section, they have really outdone themselves by addressing texts and emails! (Emily might be rolling over somewhere.) We get the picture, though. Etiquette is here to stay, and if we just pay attention, we can have a Gen-A/B/C/X/Y/Z life and still be kind, decent people. And, as one might surmise, a wedding is fraught with etiquette and tradition questions, so let’s get to it.
The Nitty-Gritty of Wedding Etiquette and Tradition… Because It’s Fertile Ground
- Then: A discreet purse carried by the bride for friends and family to put cash and checks in, without a word of asking or receiving.
- Now: Go Fund Me is an accepted way to ask for help paying for anything from wedding costs, to honeymoon wish lists, to massages after brunch. It does alleviate that gift-hunting-finding-the-registry-will-they-return-it dilemma. It’s not quite as romantic as the antique silver gravy boat, but it is a lot more useful.
- Then: Thanks to World War II, a great many adjustments were made in getting married. Engagements were short, usually depending on a deployment date. Receptions were sparse, as expenses had to be cut. Telegram invitations were sent. And, dresses were made of parachute silk. After being used to survive, the material was sold and remade for the bride either as a dress or lingerie.
- Now: Maybe we can bring back parachutes for dresses? Maybe not. The tradition of “saying yes to the dress” is still a thing, and it involves many people, many opinions, and usually many dollars.
- Then: Post-War romance settled in during the 1950s. Engagements were announced in magazines and newspapers (our bread and butter), and engagements were longer in length. Appliance gifts were popular with the housing boom, and would be sent ahead of time: it was déclassé to bring anything to the reception. Receiving lines were popular, much to the chagrin of many a tired grandparent.
- Now: Gifts are acceptable and anticipated whether delivered or placed on the gift table. Registries and cash mean that much fewer antique chafing dishes are passed down through the generations. (Do we use them?) The receiving line is a dying trend, and we really can’t find fault with that.
- Then: The rebellious ‘60s made shoes optional for the plethora of outdoor weddings. Larger wedding parties became popular, and second marriages were finally less frowned upon.
- Now: It is mostly customary to accommodate all kinds of blended families – from who is invited, to who sits with whom, to making sure all of the names are correct in any publication, and adapting to the family at hand is the norm.
- Then: Ushers were required for large weddings, per the 1980s; and receptions were usually classified as “child-free.”
- Now: The ushers are still customary, but maybe in fewer numbers than before. (It is a good place for a relative who isn’t participating in the wedding party – per se.) And, children are welcome on a case-by-case basis. For those who want a flower girl and a ring bearer, they become essential and adorable.
- Then: The 1990s were characterized by sleek dresses (think Carolyn Bessette Kennedy), elopements and destination weddings were surging in popularity, and buffet dinners were all the rage.
- Now: All are still options, although some are balking at the cost of destination weddings for the guests. (Gifts, travel, shoes, dresses, sunscreen – it all adds up quickly.)
In all things wedding, Emily Post would tell us that we should be gracious, then and now. Respond to invitations in a timely and appropriate manner; write thank you notes often and sincerely; and anticipate the needs of guests – particularly those with any special needs. If someone hosts a gathering for the couple, it is customary to give a host gift. It doesn’t have to be big, just a thoughtful gesture. And finally, if something terrible happens, use best judgment – help fix the situation, offer an apology if necessary, pitch in to clean up, and always try to find the humor in the situation. (We once cut a pork chop and it ended up on the host’s white-carpeted floor. We cleaned it up and made some joke about pigs flying.) Enjoy the occasion and remember Consideration, Respect, and Honesty.
Featured in the May 2, 2026 issue of The Independent
By Anne Potter Russ
